How to Cultivate Friendships

So, here’s the thing—I’ve wrapped up my time in college, and as I’ve entered this new chapter of life, I’ve noticed something pretty huge: I’ve drifted apart from a lot of the friends I once had. And honestly? It’s been tough. Making new friends as an adult feels like trying to find a needle in a haystack, and it’s made me really reflect on the relationships in my life. As I look back on the friendships I’ve built over the years, I’ve realized something that hit me hard: Friendships are just like romantic relationships. They take work, effort, and nurturing to thrive.

Let’s dive into what makes a good friendship—because, spoiler alert, it’s not just about the fun nights out or inside jokes. It’s about intentionality.

Check In/Follow Up

Relationships—of any kind—require consistency. It’s so easy to get busy and let time slip by, but don’t let that be an excuse. Don’t be afraid to call up a friend you haven’t heard from in a while, invite them over for coffee, or just check in on them. If a friend is going through something tough, take a minute to see how they’re doing. Trust me, just knowing that you’re open and receptive can mean the world. It builds trust and shows that you truly care. Simple, but powerful.

Actively Listen

Okay, I’m totally guilty of this one. As someone who’s got the “gift of gab” (I’m sure some of you can relate), I love offering advice and solutions. But here’s the thing I’ve learned: More often than not, my friends don’t need solutions—they just need someone to listen. They just want to feel heard. It sounds basic, but having someone who can truly empathize can make all the difference. It’s a good practice for every relationship in your life—whether it’s with friends, coworkers, or romantic partners. Just listen. You’ll be surprised at what a huge impact it can make.

Be a Positive Influence

Self-awareness is key here, and I’m a big believer in practicing non-judgment and empathy. Growing up with a religious upbringing, I’ve always tried to be as open as possible—and let me tell you, it’s made a huge difference. I know that I can tell my friends anything without the fear of being judged, and knowing that, I feel so supported. That’s the kind of environment we all deserve. A space where we can be ourselves, flaws and all, and feel loved for exactly who we are. Creating that safe space in your friendships and relationships is vital to building strong connections.

Set Proper Expectations

Okay, here’s where I really had to get real with myself: I’ve always been a bit of a loner. I never really focused on having a guy in my life like some of my friends, and for a long time, I couldn’t understand why my effort in friendships didn’t seem to be matched by others. It felt frustrating, like I was putting more in than I was getting back. But, here’s the kicker: I realized I was trying to get something out of my friendships that I should’ve been looking for in myself all along.

I used to have these huge expectations of my friends, but now that I’m in a healthier place, I’ve learned to relax those expectations. It’s allowed me to just enjoy my friendships for what they are—no more pressure, no more frustration. Sure, I still have moments of feeling lost or lonely, but overall, I’ve found more peace in my relationships. And honestly, I’m so much more grateful for the friends I do have.

As Sam Penner so beautifully put it, “I’ve learned to relax the expectations I used to put on others to meet the needs I need to be meeting for myself, and it’s allowed me to just relish my friendships and relationships for what they are. Do I still feel lost, and at times lonely? Of course.”

But that’s life, right? It's a work in progress, and the key is just to nurture those meaningful connections, let go of the pressure, and let the good vibes flow. 🌸